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A: An urn o’ ham.

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A: Bone crazy.

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A: North Pole Rite Aid.

Dear Huitzilopochti,

I’ve decided to make the leap into the optical high-definition world and picked up an HD-DVD player. Unfortunately, it appears as if Blu-Ray may be on the path to becoming the new disc standard, leaving me and my fellow adopters cold. Should I stay with my format or abandon ship?

Sincerely,

Antsy in Anchorage

Antsy. Why must you bother me with such worthless tripe? I care not about your home entertainment worries. How about defending your people against the ravages of famine and disease? Or repelling the advances of your fellow gods, all of whom would flay their own child if it meant accumulating more earthly power. Those are problems, pal. Geez, your letter is so stupid I’m going to afflict you with painful mouth sores. Just because. –Huitzilopochti

Dominic Santini is the fictional co-pilot from the hit ’80s action show Airwolf. Grizzled and wise, Dom served as a level-headed balance to the fiery Stringfellow Hawke, the pilot of the titular battle copter. To channel his anger from having to play second fiddle, Dom poured his angst into the composition of aggressive Japanese poetry.

Undercooked Hot Dog

Off the grill and browned,
I bite with vigor and glee
And taste cold meat! @#$%!

–Dominic Santini

As a follow-up to my review of They Might Be Giants’ new album “The Else,” here’s the first official video off the album, for the song “With the Dark.” The band commissioned artist, stop-motion animator and TMBG fan Hine Mizushima to create the video. Enjoy!

I found this video through This Might Be a Wiki. Check them out!

Starring this guy:

The first time I walked into class, I could sense everyone’s eyes on me. How often do you see a half-tree/half-ogre sign up for Introduction to Algebra and the local adult education cooperative? Well, that’s me. I’m that half-tree/half-ogre. My name is Grove and I’m trying to get my high school equivalence degree. And this is my story:

I grew up in the woods of Olympus. It was a quiet life and my father worked hard to provide for his family. One tragic day, a storm swept through our village and my father was washed away. Desperate to take care of my family, I dropped out of school and left to find work. I was almost immediately befriended by a kindly old man who called himself the Demon God Neff. He promised a decent wage in exchange for some day labor, so I agreed.

I was so naive in those days.

He enslaved my soul and through his dark magic, took over my bodily form to combat the forces of good. I had no control over my own existence, and the years of watching him use my powers to smite a parade of heroes perverted my own conscience. The values of hard work, self-determination and responsibility were replaced with bloodlust and angst and bowel irritability.

Then, a year or so ago, one hero defeated my master, rescued his beloved and discovered the magic of anabolic steroids. With my spirit loosed from Neff’s sinister clutches, I was able to take stock of my life.

I returned home and discovered that my family was eking out an existence with a domestic cleaning service business and though they were happy to see me and the temptation to remain was strong, I recalled my father’s words: “You are what you want to be.”

So for the second time, I said goodbye to my family with hopes of finding a better life, hopped on a bus and found myself at Herkimer County Community College in Central New York, where I plan on pursuing a degree in refrigeration repair.

It’s a start.

Growing up in the 80’s meant exposure to a steady stream of cartoons-selling-toys-selling-cartoons. Blissfully unaware of the marketing machine that powered my childhood, I powered through countless hours of G.I. Joe, Transformers, M.A.S.K., GoBots (yeah, I’ll admit it), Dino Riders, and Masters of the Universe (known among playground folk as “He-Man”).

To me, He-Man means the Filmation animated series and the action figure collection I amassed as birthdays begat Christmases. I must confess, as cool as it sounded when it came to theaters, I’ve never seen the live-action Masters of the Universe film. You know, the one starring Dolph Lundgren as the Russian He-Man who kills Apollo Creed (I think), and a too-young-to-know-better Courtney Cox? For as much Eternia-cred as I lost not seeing the film, it seems I really missed the boat on a deeper level of He-Man geekdom: the official live-action stage shows!

From 1982-1986, toy giant Mattel hired actors to tour the U.S. and Canada, performing stage shows and making special guest appearances in support of the action figures and cartoon. And who did they get to hold He-Man’s magic sword aloft? Relative unknown Larry Opiela, a bodybuilder/actor from Buffalo, NY.

I first heard about Larry when a fellow painter told me her husband’s brother-in-law did some work for a guy who played He-Man, and who now runs a gym in Wellsville, NY. Having no idea why Dolph Lundgren would be running a gym in a small town I frequented in college, I checked Google. Turns out Mr. Lundgren still does action films, when he’s not busy jetting between expensive houses with his fashion-model wife. A second search led me to the web site of the real He-Man.

Though I’ll let you discover the joys of Mr. Opiela’s work for yourself, I think these samples will whet your appetite:

Please note: this post is in no way meant to poke fun at Mr. Opiela…and this disclaimer has nothing to do with the fact that he lives within driving distance of my house.