11:00 a.m. - 12:00 p.m.

Erich: Happy Minor Characters Day… err… Hour! In this very special episode we get a glimpse of what 24 would be like without Jack, and we are not impressed. If you’ve ever wondered what Nadia does while Jack is busy kicking suicide bombers off subway trains, or whether Lennox takes cream in his coffee, I guess you found out. While “email redundancies” and “grey area political sorta-scandals” are thrilling, I’d almost rather have watched Jack flip around on XM for 45 minutes or torture his own action figure. Maybe I’m being too picky; my most productive hour last week was probably spent filling out timesheets and wondering whether cheese doodles count as vegetables.

Speaking of Jack, I’m guessing this Bauer family drama won’t be settled with foam bats ala The Jeffersons. Graem “Costanza” Bauer finally came out to his family as a total jerk, and while I love James Cromwell as Jack’s dad, I was kinda hoping he’d end up being played by Sean Connery. Jack would make a great “Junior.” Regardless, I think we’re going to see some sweet “Take Your Dad to Work Day” action before all is said and done.

Probably the saddest moment of the episode, though, was poor Walid’s detention center butt-kicking. Maybe you could only see it in high-def, but I’m pretty sure those guards were wearing “trainee” badges. The worst part is, you just know Sandra’s gonna spend the entire ambulance ride home telling him “I told you so.”

Dave: Okay, Sandra Palmer has officially joined Erin Driscoll, Kim Bauer and Kate Warner on the flight manifest for the “Irritating 24 Characters Space Shuttle Launch into the Sun.” Alas, we are certainly in store for some righteous indignation, but my question is: where the @#$% were the detention center guards?! Playing Yahtzee? For a facility that supposedly houses potential terrorists, the security is shockingly lax.

Meanwhile, in Washington DC, President Palmer II: The Heretic continues to flounder. Though he did advise the American people to rise above their bigotries, which would be a much-needed salve for me if a nuke just blew my neighborhood to Neptune, he appears to be dragging his feet on the retaliation. And way to cave, Karen. She had an hour to put together some kind of counteroffensive against Tom, but apparently made straight for Microsoft Word to type up her resignation. At least she’ll go back to L.A., a plane ride which should take up the rest of the season, though the President said something about a special military flight–perhaps the U.S. Army got a hold of that spaceship from The Flight of the Navigator? That could get her back with like 12 episodes to spare!

CTU continues its dysfunctional trend, and Milo, I fear, has screwed himself covering for the attractive, Muslim, Republican girl with a vague Middle Eastern background. Those AMRGVMEB’s will you get you every time.

Over at The Bauer Family Reunion Jack and his dad have their work cut out for them, tracking down the nukes and thwarting Graem (Nordic for “C-3PO”) and his evil schemes. Thankfully, Graem committed the fatal villain error of trusting his henchmen to whack Jack, and, judging by the previews, his reward for those misguided sensibilities will be another round of homemade torture at the hands of his brother. Jack really is the Martha Stewart of forced interrogation.

Anyway, a sub-par episode, populated by characters no one cares about and lacking that most precious ingredient of 24: Jack Bauer applying physical violence to nameless men with guns.

Press Release
Monday, January 29, 2007
SmokeWalker, Inc.

From the desk of Patricia Smelts, assistant to Sheep Walker:

Sheep Walker is saddened by the sudden death of longtime friend Barbaro, the champion racehorse, and sends along his heart-felt condolences to the Derby winner’s family at this difficult time.

Growing up together on the farm, Sheep and Barbaro (known to close friends as “Vinnie”) collaborated on several projects before dissolving their partnership in 2003. Despite an infamous feud, which played out on TV and in the newspapers during the summer of 2005, the two settled their differences and remained close until the end.

Barbaro was euthanized earlier today after a long struggle with complications resulting from a leg injury last May.

By now, I’m sure you’ve heard of this tragic story. The jackass radio hosts were sacked, and they deserved it, but some blame rests with Nintendo for naming their console the “Wii.” That name just begs for a slew of lame, pun-driven contests.

The big N should have stuck with the original name, the “Revolution.” Not much you can work with there…except maybe Start a Revolution for a Revolution, and then you’d have people getting into all kinds of trouble in Central America.

Hmmm, on second thought, I guess it’s a no-win situation.

Illustration Friday “Red” entry.

If you dig on this, check out more Sheep Walker, along with the rest of our comic line-up: Wish You Were Here, Conrad Steele and Frontier Justice.

Dear Huitzilopochti:

I’m a 20 year-old junior at a state university, pursuing my degree in art therapy.  I’m on the way to a 4.0 GPA, but I have one teacher who is blatantly chauvinistic.  Whenever he talks to me he look at my chest, hoots and whistles any time I walk past him and makes derogatory remarks like “Here’s the midterm, may the breast student shine” or “Congratulations to our brightest pupil, who received the highest grade on the term paper and has a vagina.”  It’s very uncomfortable and I’m thinking of dropping the class, even though it would mean my GPA would suffer.  And I’m too embarrassed to go the administration.  What should I do?

Sincerely,

Harassed on Campus

Dear Harassed.  

Do the following: drain the blood from a ferret and set it aside (you will need it later).  Remove the skin and soak it in your urine for seven days.  Pour the blood into a cauldron and add ten strands of your hair, a wharf rat’s uterus and three ounces of your teacher’s semen.  Let it simmer on an open flame for 12 hours.  Add paprika and pour the entire concoction into a clay bowl.  On the bowl write the words “Trakka Trakka Igga Digga” using the feces of an amphibian (your choice).  Finally, wrap the bowl in the urine-soaked ferret skin.  On the night of the next full moon, go to your teacher’s house, knock on the door, and when he answers stab him in the head with a knife.  Good luck!–Huitzilopochti 

10:00 – 11:00 a.m.

Dave: Wow, a lot of bombshells this episode, though, unfortunately, not the literal kind. So, that dude is Jack’s brother, huh? Maybe he’s such a twisted evil bastard because he looks like your IT guy and his brother looks like Kiefer Sutherland.

Fresh off a grade-A helping of mushroom-cloud soup, the L.A. suburbs are chaotic: families are running screaming in the street and helicopters are falling out of the sky. Thankfully Jack’s bounced back from his Curtis ventilation and is available for routine rooftop athletics and bystander-rescuing.

President Palmer II: Electric Boogaloo has failed to convince me that he can lead a Cub Scout troop to a soapbox car victory, much less the nation through a nuke attack. Someone get Mike Novick on the phone. Or The Emperor. And his sister needs to be jettisoned into space at the earliest possible convenience.

Next episode looks like it will pack an even harder Family Ties vibe. James Cromwell! Score! That’ll do, Jack. That’ll do.

Erich: They can blow up his city, but no one takes out the Channel 8 Traffic Copter while Jack Bauer’s around! Less than ten minutes after melting into a puddle of Bauer-sauce, Jack’s back thanks to a little nuclear therapy… and this time it’s personal! No, really it is. In perhaps the biggest shocker since the season one Nina reveal, we find out Jack’s brother was last year’s presidential puppetmaster!

Next week we’ll find out if the family that tortures together stays together, as Jack’s investigation leads him from a treasonous brother to a treasonous father (”I learned it by watching you, alright!?”). I wouldn’t want to write the Bauer family Christmas card this year.

Recent concerns about the portrayal of Muslims as terrorists on 24 made me roll my eyes just a little. While I appreciate religious and ethnic sensitivities, 24 is into its sixth season and this is only the second to feature Islamic terrorists. I’m surprised we haven’t heard any outcries from E.A.R.L. (the Eurotrash-American Relations League) –– they’d have a better case.

Oh, and I concur wholeheartedly with Dave on President Grow-A-Pair’s lackluster performance.

Dave: “E.A.R.L.” Brilliant.